Romance Stuff #6 - Cappuccino, Champagne, and Crack

No, this is not a post about the theology of alcohol consumption or a just say no to drugs P.S.A. In this post the cappuccino, champagne, and crack are metaphors for the feelings surrounding falling in love.

One of the classic themes in young adult literature is the awakening of sexuality. I don't mean having sex (at least I hope not!), but rather the awakening of a young women's body and her discovery of her own femininity and all the giggles, angst, and confusion that go along with that. Often, young adult novels deal with the first stirrings of love. And in historical romance books like mine set in times when girls married young, they might even be heading toward matrimony.

But what to do with all of these feelings? We certainly don't want hormones and lust running the show. On the other hand, God has given us love and romance as a beautiful picture of the relationship He longs to have with his bride, the church. And these feelings aren't wrong. They are natural. Within the proper boundaries, they are very beautiful. Personally, I'm not a fan of marriage decisions based 100% on practical considerations with no feelings involved. Marriage is hard enough when you are in love, and those positive feelings can be very helpful when rough patches come along. Plus, add the expectation of physical intimacy into the mix--yeah, some good feelings are pretty much necessary at that point.

My post last week had me asking myself the question, how can I describe the right kind of feelings that actually point to the sort of love that becomes a verb and not just a noun? Which brings my mental meandering back to...you guessed it...cappuccino, champagne, and crack.

Cappuccino Relationships - Cappuccino is warm, sweet (at least the way I drink it), and comforting with a touch of froth. You can have it caffeinated to energize you and start your day off right, or a decaf version to lull you to sleep. Cappuccino even has some good stuff in there that you need, like protein and antioxidants. This reflects the  relationship that began as friendship and slowly morphed into something more. Or perhaps the relationship that started out in the bubbly champagne type state, but mellowed and deepened with time. It's like a cozy fleece blanket that brings you peace and comfort. Your favorite pjs or slippers. Cappuccino and slippers and pjs and blankets are like best friends, they encourage you and minister to you after a long day. Who ever really gets tired of them? Although you could conceivably live without them, you would never want to. You miss them when they're gone. You anticipate seeing them again, perhaps even long and yearn for them. If you neglect a cappuccino relationship, it might turn cold, stale, even bitter and black, but with a bit of TLC, you can doctor it back to something delicious. Love feels a lot like cappuccino. And cappuccino relationships are built to last last. By all means, enjoy the cappuccino!

Champagne Relationships - Champagne is bubbly, delightful, tingly, and something quite special. But it's not an everyday drink. If over imbibed, it could quickly begin to cloud your judgement and leave you dizzy. Champagne reflects the sort of feelings that take you by surprise. The guy you are instantly attracted to, and in some sort of magical serendipity, he feels the same way. There seem to be little magnets in your finger tips and lips that keep pulling you toward him even though you've only begun to develop any real sort of relationship. This feeling could best be described as romance, crush, or infatuation. Much like champagne, these sensations in and of themselves are not bad. But they can easily throw you off course. You could even become addicted to the champagne feeling to the degree that a nice warm cup of cappuccino just won't do it for you anymore, and that's a problem. Scientists say that the infatuation feeling generally only lasts about six months. If a champagne relationship comes into your life, proceed with caution. Remember, cappuccino relationships are the ones that stand the test of time. Champagne feelings might or might not lead to true love in the end. Don't make any life altering decisions while under the influence of champagne!

Crack Relationships - Crack is an artificial high. It is dangerous, addictive, disorienting, and leads to self-destruction. It's an escape from reality. It's illegal and immoral. I can only imagine it must feel pretty good, in a weird sort of way, or people wouldn't do it.  But it grabs you by the throat and won't let go. You grow desperate, willing to do just about anything--no matter how wrong or dangerous--to continue your relationship with crack. Some people seem to think love should be like crack. Bella and Edward in Twilight are a good example of a crack relationship. Or Taylor Swift's song "Blank Space." But crack relationships aren't really love. Certainly not any godly sort of love. Crack relationships are unhealthy, twisted, desperate versions of love. If you find yourself prone to crack relationships, you might want to seek counseling, or at least read a good self-help book like Love is a Choice: The Definitive Book on Letting Go of Unhealthy Relationships. Crack relationships might look cool from a distance, they might seem exciting in the beginning. But crack relationships are destined for destruction. Stay far, far, away!!!!

If you're still in that place of discovering and understanding love, keep these three important words in mind: cappuccino, champagne, crack. If you're long past all of this and snugly settled into your own cappuccino style marriage, consider sharing this post with a special young lady in your life.

So that's my summary on lovey dovey, ooey gooey feelings. Did I forget any? What do you think of my analogies?

Romance Stuff #5 - Not a Twilight Fan

Yes, I can hear the boos and hisses all the way across the internet. So let me begin by saying, I have read the first Twilight book, and I was as enthralled as anyone. The author has certainly hit on something that young girls, and their older counterparts, find truly magical. The power of love. The books are sexy yet innocent. Thrilling page turners. What's not to like?

A lot.

I'm not going to get on my high horse about the occult or vampires. It's a fantasy story. I get that. I found Edward's desire to fight the evil within him quite an interesting take on the whole vampire legend. And although parts of the story (vampire baseball game?) were ridiculous, I still enjoyed the book.

Here's my issue. Edward is a danger to Bella. She knows this. He is violent and addicted to her blood. As a human, she can't even handle his physical strength. But she's willing to take any risk for him. For love. For the passionate, tumultuous feelings she is experiencing. Honestly, I don't think this is a good message to be sending teenage girls. Sure he's always there for her. Sure he makes sacrifices, but is that really enough?

What about the girl who falls in love with the golden-hearted guy with rage issues? What about the one whose hormones go off the charts over an alcoholic or drug addict. Surely love will conquer all. Right? Unfortunately, more often that not, WRONG!!! It takes a long time and a lot of work in counseling to overcome those sorts of problems and addictions. Love alone will not solve them. Will power alone will not solve them. They will only get you caught in a horrible cycle of co-dependency.

Okay, maybe you still think I'm ridiculous, but those are the reasons that I'm not a fan. I think the relationship between Edward and Bella is co-dependent, unhealthy, and in any sort of real-life equivalent, destined for disaster. (Click here to see my "No Co-Dependency Allowed" post)

Love is wonderful, feelings are great, but in the end every young woman should make wise, logical, and hopefully Holy Spirit-led decisions about what sort of man she will share her life with. Call me unromantic, but maybe I've learned the hard way, and maybe I just want the best for the young ladies who are my readers.

What do you think of Twilight?

Romance Stuff #4 - Finding a Good Guy

A lot of people say that romance novels give readers unrealistic expectations about men and relationships. I hope that I don’t do that. I hope that you can tell my “heroes” are regular flawed people with good character. They say stupid things they regret sometimes. They get moody, jealous, angry. They make mistakes. Sometimes they get scared. But they are men of integrity and honor, they respect women, love God, and they put others before themselves.

Although romance novels always have a “hero,” in real life heroes are just those guys who know how to love properly and treat people well. They don’t have to be the strongest, or the smartest, or the handsomest, or the most romantic. They just need to be good men who love God. In fact, we girls can and should be heroes too!

In case I have unwittingly given you any unrealistic ideas about men in any of my books, allow me to set the record straight.

Good Men Still Do:

Get grumpy when they’re tired

Get “hangry”

Say stupid things

Feel scared and insecure

Watch/play too match t.v./sports/video games

Fart and burp at inappropriate times

Disagree with you

Have bad days at work

Have annoying habits

Leave the toilet seat up

Procrastinate Doing Chores

Forget Things

Fail to understand your feelings
Lose their tempers

These are areas about which you will need to communicate honestly. Gently express what bothers you. Request the things you want. Honor them where honor is due. Don't play games or expect them to read your mind. And patiently negotiate your way to a positive relationship that will be a blessing to both of you.

Good Men Do Not:

Habitually lie to you

Cheat on you
Hide money from you 

Cheat in business

Avoid working and expect you to support them
Manipulate through pressure or guilt
Belittle through threats and insults

Bully physically or emotionally

Hit you – ever!

Intentionally ignore your or your children’s feelings

Neglect the physical needs of you or your children

Become addicted to pornography
Commit crimes

Abuse drugs or alcohol
Ask you to lie for them or cover up their issues

The first list might seem a little silly, but the second one is deadly serious. If you find yourself in a relationship with a man like that, get out while you can. If you are already married to a man like that, then let me be clear. This is not okay. It is not normal. And most importantly, it is not your fault! Stand up for yourself, get support, get counseling, and establish healthy boundaries against unacceptable behavior. If your church tells you to just be quiet and put up with it, find a new church!

But for those of you who are, or will be, in normal up and down marriages with regular real life people, exercise love, forgiveness, and understanding. Nobody’s perfect, but if you choose a man with good character and a heart after God, you will be able to grow a life together. 

What do you look for in a man? Who have been some of your favorite literary "heroes"?

Romance Stuff #3 - "Heroes" to Avoid

Last week a talked a little bit about co-dependency and about the seemingly romantic but actually unhealthy attitudes some women have about love. This week let’s look at the men. Romance novels, especially secular romance novels, sometimes give awful ideas about what to look for in a man. The male lead in a romance novel is traditionally called a "hero," but the truth is that sometimes he is anything but.

Here are some typical romance heroes to avoid.

The Sweeper – You know, the guy who sweeps you off your feet. He comes out of nowhere and makes you dizzy with desire. He throws your life into to disarray, making you forget your goals and priorities, maybe even your family or religious values. Chances are, this guy is a controller. Possibly even an abuser. He wants to catch you quickly while you are off guard and before you can really see his true colors.

The First-Sighter – This guy decides in an instant that he is in love with you, and he simply must have you. Now, it is true that some intuitive people will sense a deep potential connection very early in a relationship, but those guys will be patient and willing to give time for things to grow and develop naturally. The first-sighter is more likely driven by physical attraction, chemistry, and lust. Don’t fall for it. Those things are short-lived, and once they wear off, you might find there is nothing more to the relationship. And the next time he falls in love with a woman at first sight, guess who will be left in the dust.

The Charmer – The charmer seems too good to be true—because he is. Everything out of his mouth is a compliment. He takes you to fancy places and buys you expensive gifts. When you really think hard enough about it, you might not really know who he is or what he wants out of life. But you like the way he makes you feel and you love how much he wants you. This guy is a class “A” manipulator, so expect to be manipulated for the rest of your life. And once you actually marry him, there’s no telling what you might actually have in store. He might be controlling, or a cheat, or a conman extraordinaire. 

The Rescuer – The rescuer has to be a hero. He wants to fix you, to save you, and to make you a better person—because, let’s face it, you’re just a woman and clearly too weak to take care of yourself. Don’t get me wrong, a supportive, helpful man is worth his weight in gold. But he should respect you and see your strengths as well. In a healthy relationship, support goes both ways. The rescuer will probably want to call the shots for the rest of your life. He is another potential controller and/or abuser.

The Bad Boy – The bad boy always seems sexy. He’s wounded, and he’s misunderstood. If only he could find the right woman, all would be well. Except that it doesn’t works that way in the real world. Although you might temporarily bring out his better side, you can’t save the bad boy. You might be able to inspire him and point him in the right direction, but stay far, far away until you see ample evidence of lasting change. In truth, the bad boy will most likely remain a criminal, or unemployed loser, or drug-addict, drunk, gambler, rage-aholic, whatever it might be...and only get worse as life goes on.

Okay, those are some “heroes” to avoid. Maybe what we should be looking for isn’t a hero at all. Maybe we should be looking for regular guys with good character. I’ll talk more about that next time. 

But for now, what are some things that you love in a regular guy/romance hero?

Romance Stuff #2 - No Co-depenency Allowed!

I love romance, but sometimes I get a little concerned by the messages in romance novels, especially secular romances. So for my writing, and for this Valiant Hearts Series in particular, my goal is that the romances I depict will be excellent, healthy examples and not have even a hint of co-dependency.

 If you aren’t familiar with the term, co-dependency is when you don’t properly distinguish the boundaries between your life and responsibilities and the lives and responsibilities of others around you. This can be especially tricky in a marriage, in which two lives in many ways become one. But in order for a marriage to be healthy, it must be made of two strong, mature, and independent people who are able to stand on their own feet. When they choose to join their lives, they voluntarily become interdependent, but hopefully not co-dependent. Co-dependency leads to all sorts of unhealthy issues like addictions, lies, control, manipulation, mistreatment, and even flat out abuse.

Here is some seemingly romantic but co-dependent thinking to watch out for.

Fatal Attraction – If you fall in love so hard that you cannot possibly live without that man, yikes! I know that feeling. That, “I might as well just jump off a cliff if I can’t be with you,” feeling. It’s romantic, it’s sexy, and it’s HORRIBLY UNHEALTHY! Often these people believe they have found their “soulmate,” which by the way, is not a Christian concept. I’m all for passionate feelings, great connections, even instant attractions, but then you must take time to see if the relationship can actually work. Sometimes those instant attractions happen because the person triggers some old wound in our hearts, which can turn out awful. Other times the person might be a good fit in some ways, but all wrong in other ways, and if so, we need to be able to let them go. The goal should be to seek God for the relationship that will best fulfill HIS purposes for you and the man (or woman--if any males are reading this) you marry. While those feelings can seem awesome, especially in the beginning, in the end it is friendship, spiritual connection, and common goals that will hold a marriage together.

Defined by a Man – If you do not feel like a complete and valuable person on your own, you might be looking for trouble. A woman (or man, although I would say that's less likely for this one) should not feel like she has to get married in order to fulfill a valuable role in society or in God’s kingdom. She should not enter marriage feeling like a half of a person. She should not hold off deciding her goals for life (career, geographic location, ministry, etc…) until she meets a man. Instead, she should seek out God’s plan for her life, pursue it, and then be open to finding a man who will complement her, connect with her, understand her, and provide a positive partner for life. I know that some women really just want to be wives and mothers, which is a lovely calling, but it can be a little dangerous too, because it can put your life on hold and make you desperate to find a husband. If that’s you, pursue a related career such as nursing, childcare, teaching, interior design, or the culinary arts until if and when God brings the right man into your life.

Need to Please  – If you are so desperate to find a man and please a man that you will change your beliefs, goals, and/or opinions for him, watch out! Healthy adults don’t let others tell them what to think or make decisions for them. Likewise, healthy people don’t want to control those around them. If you are so desperate to find a man that you let him change who you are, you are likely to end up with the wrong kind of man who will take advantage of that. And once the initial romance has worn off, you will likely grow either angry and resentful or lost and depressed because you have given up your true self. If you have unhealthy attitudes or tendencies, yes, those might need to change, but for your own good, not just for a man. Of course it is great to be kind and encouraging, to take wise counsel and ask others for input, to be cooperative and pleasant. But be true to yourself! The goal is to find the right fit for you, not to please everyone who comes along.

Savior Complex – One of the hallmarks of co-dependency is the need to save or rescue someone. To some women (and men) it can seem sexy or romantic to find a broken, wounded person and try to fix them up. To rescue someone from addiction or depression or financial trouble. And you know what, chances are you will have to continue rescuing them for the rest of your life. Our God is a God of second chances. He is a God who redeems and heals and saves us from ourselves. God might call you to marry a man (or woman) whose past is less than ideal, but he will not call you to fix or rescue that man. Step back and let God do His job. Then see where things might go from there.

I hope with all my being that my Valiant Heart heroines will inspire my readers to be strong and independent women who will seek out healthy, positive relationships.

What other co-dependent or otherwise unhealthy relationship habits would you add to this list? Can you think of books that perpetuate these sorts of ideas?

Romance Stuff #1 - The Kissing Question

While writing my YA medieval/adventure romance novels, I faced a bit of a moral conundrum. Should I include kissing in books geared toward Christian teens? I don’t think that kissing should be done recreationally or taken lightly. Therefore, in today’s culture, I wouldn’t necessarily recommend that sixteen and seventeen-year-olds jump on the kissing bandwagon, and I certainly wouldn’t want younger teenage readers to think that I’m encouraging them to experiment with kissing.

On the other hand, I’m not sure that the “purity” and “courtship” fanatics have gotten this issue right either. Song of Solomon recommends that young women not “awake love before it pleases.” This is smart. Before a young innocent woman becomes awakened sexually, it is pretty easy to stay pure. Once that awakening process has begun, usually through kisses and embraces, it becomes more challenging to maintain godly morals. 

However, I don’t think the honeymoon night is the right time to BEGIN that awakening process either. For one thing, it’s just too late and too much pressure on a bride. In addition, I think that before you make a permanent decision like marriage (among other more important issues) you should at least take into consideration the level of physical attraction. While it is wise to base a relationship on a strong friendship, there also needs to be that reasonable spark of attraction or else marital intimacy could be very awkward. If there is no physical contact (i.e. kissing), that can be hard to assess. So I would say that once you start seriously dating with an eye towards marriage, perhaps in your late teens or early twenties, and once the friendship is on solid ground, kissing is fine. (Okay, let's fact it, kissing is great!)

Which brings me back to my medieval series. The medieval culture was different from our culture today. Girls typically married during their teen years, and my heroines are clearly headed in that direction. So my final decision was that they needed to experience some kisses with their potential mates, and that it would be appropriate to include a bit of kissing in my books. 

Besides, everyone loves a good kiss!

P.S. For a good balanced perspective on the concerns surrounding kissing, check out this article. I especially like the way they continually encourage you to seek guidance from the Holy Spirit. 

What are your views on kissing? Have you been exposed to any of the anti-kissing or courtship schools of thought? How did you feel about it?